哈佛大學23Fall優秀文書，能打動招生官的原因在這！

前不久，The Crimson公布了2023Fall錄取者的優秀文書，并附上了每篇文章的點評。從這些例子中，我們能看到哈佛大學的文書偏好，以及生動鮮活的寫作技巧。我們從中挑選了2篇，一起來看一下吧～

Michelle G.'s Essay

Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.

Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”

My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.

But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.

As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.

Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.

After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.

My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones.

文章點評

本文用詩一般的語言，回憶了早年與祖父一起生活的畫面，讓人感受到生命如歌，短暫卻美好。同時，文章也展現了作者敏銳的觀察力與思考。

寫“一個對你有影響”的人這類文章時，我們常遇到的困難就是如何在「展示那個人」以及「保證文章的重點落在你和你的成長」之間找到一個平衡。

在這篇文書中，作者抓住了祖父的幾個特點：世故、理解蝴蝶轉瞬即逝的本性，同時也富有同情心，理解并尊重米歇爾對蝴蝶的呵護。

與此同時，文章始終聚焦于展示米歇爾多年來的成熟過程。她從她的祖父那里繼承了對大自然的熱愛，以及對生活的洞察所需的自我意識和內省能力。我們也從她將蝴蝶翅膀藝術描述為“保留大自然之美的一種方式”中看到了她的藝術天賦。

總的來說，盡管這篇文章的重點是米歇爾的祖父以及他對她的影響，我們仍然可以對米歇爾有很多了解。我們知道她很有成就(跆拳道金牌) 、有藝術細胞、有愛心。她的深思熟慮和內省的天性也在這篇文章中得到了體現，這無疑是招生官們所青睞的品質。

VOL.2

‘When Life Doesn’t Gives You Lemons’

With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.

At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?

I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.

The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.

Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.

With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.

Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.

When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).

文章點評

失敗的文書各有各的不好，但許多成功拿到Offer的文書都有這樣一個共同結構：「鉤子+錨+故事+成長」。

鉤子：“鉤子“的作用是吸引讀者。招生官員每天要讀上百篇文書，所以盡量馬上抓住他們的注意力。比如在開頭寫一些有趣的或與眾不同的東西是一個不錯的方法。

這篇文章中用到的“鉤子”就是laymounada，黎巴嫩的laymounada 有什么特別之處?它和普通的檸檬水有什么不同?Teta是誰?作者用一連串的故事迅速引起了讀者的好奇心。

錨：“錨”是一個想法或主題，用來連接、升華整篇文章。一個好的“錨”應該是發人深省的、讓人回味無窮的。

本文的“錨”就是“生活沒有給我檸檬”——作者在家里找不到一個檸檬，所以不得不發揮創造力推銷不含檸檬的laymunada。這段經歷讓她學會了堅持不懈，并開始了一系列的嘗試。文章在結尾又呼應了這個“錨”，將全文串聯：“When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).”

故事：講故事的一大黃金法則是“show, don’t tell”，不要試圖直白地告訴招生官你是一個多么偉大的人。相反，試著用故事讓他們感受到你的個性、性格和取得的成就。

具體來看這篇文章，作者分享了許多有趣的細節，比如將飲料定價為“fifty scents”來契合玫瑰主題;開玩笑說她賺的10美元大部分來自父母和鄰居，但他們甚至懶得喝檸檬水。這些細節將作者勾勒成來一個有趣的、有創造力的、有進取心的人，同時也展現了她的謙遜。

成長：

例如，本文作者認識到她的商業嘗試缺乏連續性并不是一個“巨大的失敗”，相反，這培養了她的好奇心、堅持不懈的精神和對商業的熱愛。在文章的最后，很明顯能感到作者是一個對商業充滿熱情的人，能夠從每一次經歷中吸取教訓，并將它們應用到下一次的努力中。

作者抓住了所有這四個關鍵要素——鉤子、錨、故事和成長——這就是這篇文章成功的原因。

以上便是哈佛大學23Fall優秀文書的一些具體介紹，供大家參考，希望對大家申請有所幫助。